being tested

It has begun...both the official, in-class testing as well as the testing of patience and sanity in and out of the nursing setting.

This morning began with a pop quiz in Pathophysiology, and this afternoon was our first Pharmacology quiz. Neither was easy. Both illustrated to me that I am absolutely NOT studying very much. (Note that I didn't say "not enough;" I feel like I'm being adequate but not terribly ambitious about the academics in this program.) I'm going to need to somehow rectify that, though I don't feel like I should entirely abandon my life in order to grub for As.

I had a very nice conversation with an awesome classmate just now about the school/life balance. I was telling her that I refuse to give up my life - I'm still running and seeing friends, and that's not gonna stop. Not merely for the sake of getting high grades. She applauded my "healthy attitude," which felt lovely. I wish I were so excited and sincerely comfortable about my current stance.

Another classmate mentioned she went to student health today for a referral to counseling and that she burst into tears while talking to the MD. She admitted she's feeling the stress. Then a few other folks chimed in about randomly crying after their clinicals, or suffering from insomnia, or snapping at partners who innocently ask how things are going. It's the middle of week 4 and we are all starting to feel it. It's right around halfway through the quarter and we are all dragging our asses over the midpoint. I thought I was immune, but I currently feel absolutely drained.

Everything is work. Assembling food for tomorrow - ugh. Going to the farmers' market - a chore, not fun. Going to visit a sick friend - excited to see her, but I'm so exhausted that I'm afraid that I won't be very good company. I finished a couple of patient assessments to turn in tomorrow and I nearly cried over how much thought and effort it took. Just sitting here and typing hurts my brain. I won't be studying tonight. Again. I need to start coping well enough to find the strength to pull myself off the couch and into the academic mode.

This feeling - it's burnout, eh? Already. And I'm only in school. No work. No volunteering. I'm not *that* busy. I'm used to doing so much more. I'm running to keep my sanity, and seeing friends for the same reason, but it's not enough to really lift the crushing feeling of exhaustion.

I'm dreaming about our 3 weeks off in September. I'm helping to assemble Scrub Crawl for the day after our last clinical, and a karaoke night for the evening of our last final. Then I need to GO AWAY. I want to go to some hot springs up north or to Tahoe or to Monterey or SOMEWHERE for a few days. I want to recapture the first three weeks of June, when I was funemployed and broke but SO HAPPY. That's become my new ideal for time off: doing nothing, at home, being cheap and creative and selling half my life on eBay to be able to afford food. YEAH.

OK, off to see friend. Perhaps I will get charming again in the next 3 hours before I have to go to bed.