ask me again in a week

Because right now I am OVER IT.
OVER
OVER
OVER
OVER
OVER ALL OF IT.

Over the exams. Over the 4:15 a.m. wakeups with an hour commute to and from clinicals. Over everything.

Perhaps it surfaced today because it was a beautiful day and I'd rather have spent it riding my shiny new bike to the ocean. Perhaps it's because I had an entire quarter of slacking catch up to me in the last 24 hours. Perhaps it's because tomorrow is our first final and I am protesting out of under-preparedness. Eh.

A week from tomorrow afternoon, my first quarter of MEPN is done. I will be 25% of the way to my RN license. That's exciting, but it's hard to keep the eventual goal in sight when everything sucks.

MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Seriously, I'll post again in a week when I hate the world less.

*sigh*

It is the beginning of Week 8. 8 of 10 weeks in the quarter. And OH, am I ready for the end.

It is also the dead of winter August in San Francisco, meaning we haven't seen temps over 60 in ages and it actually RAINS at the Parnassus campus pretty much every day. So to remedy the effects of the weather, I have fixed myself a hot buttered rum (mmm, Kraken) and am going to gently blog my way to sleep.

In these last three weeks, we have:

• 2 patho exams
• 2 intro to nursing exams
• 2 patho homework assignments
• 1 pharma homework
• 1 pharma test
• allegedly, a pop quiz in patho, which would be just blatantly cruel
• 1 nursing skills final - all hands-on with a fellow student
• 6 more days of clinicals

Yeah, the workload seems heavily weighted toward this portion of the quarter. YEAH. HEAVILY.

Tomorrow is the first of those patho exams, and I have failed at studying for it quite miserably. I've been gloating about how I haven't had to expend very much time or energy on this program thus far, and today feels like the day that all fell apart. Luckily, it's on several systems I know well (namely GI, GU, neuro), so I hope to coast by on the merit of my experience. Like always, actually. I chose to spend my weekend out of town, drinking mimosas during my designated study time. I slack, I know. It's my fault, I know.

It's not that I am upset at myself for slacking. I'm not disappointed in myself. I am actively choosing to be social instead of studying, and I am getting by just fine - no, better than fine - on this plan. I do wonder if I'm not (ugh) living up to my potential. If I spent more time with the books, would I be some kind of nursing genius? Or, am I wasting money on this experience by not taking full advantage of absorbing all this extra knowledge? Am I missing out on something that my fellow students are getting because they spend more time studying for this?

I will firmly stand by my belief that the hard part was getting into this program. Now that I'm in it's not so bad, except for the time commitment to class and clinicals. Having a commute to the clinical portion is a further drag on my energy. These are new and different demands on my energy, and that's the hard part.

I feel good about my academic performance. Perhaps more importantly, I feel GREAT about my performance in clinicals. Some of the nurses on my floor assumed I was about to finish my program, not that I was a brand-new baby nurse. Patients have mostly given me good feedback...at least, the ones who can give feedback. All signs point to me doing something quite right.

The non-nursing school parts of my life are also going well. New relationship? AMAZING. Family? Brother is coming out to visit on the day of my last exam, so I get to spend a week dragging him around my hometown of the last almost-decade. Sounds pretty OK.

Now to slog through the last MILLION assignments to get to that ending. It's visible and there are a million obstacles in the way. Gotta go knock 'em down.